My internship companion had just left me and I felt something was stripped away from me and I was hurt. I needed it back.
I’m having a moment where you bond with someone so close, grow closer with and suddenly she would go away, oblivious to everything. I’m not totally in love but more, for the closure we had. The deep talks we had have.
You see, it was just the two of us in this room. I and She. For two months.
I looked outside the window and watched her walked away. Going farther and farther. She took her umbrella from her bag and opened it to cover her face from the sun, unknowingly, also to me. I watched all this mundane task took place. I leaned forward, secretly wishing she would stay longer.
She went out the gate but her way was to the right toward the window of the office, so I would see her again, behind the fence where there is a barbwire on top. Yes, sharp wires that separate the both of us now.
I waited for her to pass. Even tiptoed, worried that I would missed this last sight of her. Seconds later she did passed but her umbrella was the only thing I could see. She was just a brush in my sight. Her umbrella passing through.
Before I knew it, a tear slid down my eyes and my jaw tightened a little bit. My head moved to the right, I swallowed. And then she was away from my sight.
I stand there for seconds, longer than I think it would. She was gone.
I nodded to myself and snapped my state. I turned around from this window and say, “Time to get to work…”
That was yesterday.
Today, I entered this room. Look at her station and couldn’t help yet again to feel the longingness. The door to my right was glass and I don’t want anyone to see me break. Yes, I am getting sensitive yet again. Before all of this happened, I thought everything would be easy. She will just go. We didn’t have any label. In fact, sometimes I’m wishing this bitch to just leave and stop annoying me but that day had come, yesterday and I was overcome by so much emotion. I stood up from my seat and went to the bathroom. I cannot control missing her. Was this how it felt when you lose someone else?
I tried to distract myself with thoughts but all that come in my head was memories of her. I was here. There was never a time I was here and she was not. This place is not just our internship, it became our place. We went here together to have our internship. Together we work. Together we eat our lunch, shared our meal, just the two of us in this small room of ours. The table separated our distance and yet the closure we had was near as if an inch farther from each other. We would share whatever meals we had and talked, just talk. The deep talk. I still have more things to say. I want to say more things to her but she was now gone.
There was also a time where we watched a movie. But we never got to finish that movie. That time, she told me we would watched it by next week. But next week came and we had work to do. Days passed, postponing the movie we didn’t get to finished. And now she was gone. We will never get to conclude that movie and I will not watched it myself.
And then I write this. I typed and I typed. Her sound was replaced by the murmurs of the air-conditioner and her laughter faded, but cemented by images in my head. I fondled with the magazines that we worked and tried not to think of this. Why am I feeling like this?
I have to logically tell myself this. I am not in love and it is the truth. Not the kind of girl I would want to be intimate with. In fact the things I will say to her, are advices. She wanted to do something and I wanted to support her. It is more for the bond we build, we created a connection and through this, subtly we became intimate. Maybe I just want to continue the relationship with her and well, I could. Or maybe it just have something to do with the environment we are in. Because the setting we are could never happened again and I was simply being sentimental.
Something in me develop and I know, somewhere deep she already has a place in my heart.
There would be days, I would be looking forward to her. But I still have twenty-one days left and in this I’m sure I would forget her. The emotion I had and longingness would subside.
I will be alone here and I will finish the internship and when I’m done perhaps missing her would also fade.
I looked up the window and could only see the trees.
I have to force myself to end this and not dabble by emotions I am feeling. Maybe I will request to have a different room. This room is not spent with me alone. I shared this with someone else. This room in some other ways, in this month and the previous months, belong to us. She and I.
I look around and wandered. I never felt like this before, never longed for someone else before. I wondered if she also missed me, part of me wants the answer to be yes and another part to be a no. Because if it was a yes, it would force me to take my phone and call her and tell to see her again. But if it’s a no, it will be good for me because I know, having to meet up with her for a different thing will ruin my schedule. I just wished she could have delayed her time so we will finish together.
We spent our time in this office. She even rushed the OJT and took overtime, additional days of shift where I wasn’t here, the reason she was able to finished way ahead of me. So this only means to me she can’t wait to leave this place and now she got what she wanted. This also convinced me, that I am alone in this thought of her.
This room and everything on it would remind me of her.
It was eerily quiet, only the sound of air-conditioned could be heard. The lush leaves across me was fully green, with a streak of yellow, lit brightly by the sun above. This was the same type of day we went here. Sunny. In between the months we were here, it rained, sometimes a strong shower and sometimes just a drizzle. Whatever the season, she was here. Weather changed but not the companionship I was with. Rain or shine, regardless, she was here. Us. In work and a lot of time without any work. But why then, is she not here anymore?
Then, I thought, should I tell her about this? Three words couldn’t be so hard. “I missed you.” About how I cried when she left. About how I tiptoed, raised my chin just to get a last seconds of glimpse she was here. And then, I decided no.
Somethings are just meant to be personal. Men don’t softened and should not be. If I am to tell her, would I be more effeminate? Opening up, crying in public is the luxury only women have. I stand from my seat, walked across the air-conditioner, passed by her station five steps from mine. I lowered the air-conditioner temperature and to its right was the window. I looked at it, tiptoed and was overwhelmed again. What is this? Why can’t I stop? It would never happened again but perversely, I hope to see her walk in. This time, coming toward this building, this time, facing me. But the pavement remained empty below. Behind the fence was the street and a few vehicles passed by, so limited, no familiar blue umbrella, bobbing passed by.
I turned to my side, to her station. The computer desk was hers. I looked down and there she was, and I smiled. She was in her computer. Her hair was smooth and brown. She said her hair was brown. I don’t believed this…at first. Filipinas don’t just have brown hair. They have black. Yet dye or natural I was attracted. It suits her. There were days I imagined my head buried in them, kissing it and just smelling her shampoo. But this sight, of her in her seat, was not today and it would never be again. This was a pigment of the yesterdays, never to happen again. I looked at my table, hovered my hand in the empty seat, my eyes softened. I will missed this girl. I inhaled, touched the seat and put my other hand in my pocket.
Some people are just meant to go.
I Nodded to myself, tightened my jaw and said,
“Time to get work.” Did I already say this before?
Date: 09/08/16 (Thursday), 11:25 am
Entry # 003